Loser's Guide Loser's Guide

 Loser's Guide to Life

Saturday, December 31, 2005

2006 to be Bigger Than Ever 

In a few hours it will be the New Year. I used to imagine that something would actually happen there. At 24:00 there would be a palpable shift, maybe accompanied by a barely audible "click", and suddenly the whole world is somewhat different. You'd be hard pressed to see any real change, but everything would be different nonetheless. "Yes", a noted scientist would explain, "at 24:00:01 the atmosphere was charged with certain stuff", etc. Everything would be different in a small way. It would be like getting a fresh hand at cards.

It was the same with the Moon landing. I assume lots of people were thinking the same thing as me when they watched the coverage of Apollo 11's "lunar module" making its descent. I thought: "These are the last moments in history in which people will not have been on the moon. In a few minutes everything will be different, because people will have landed on the moon—unlike the previous entire history, in which people had not yet been on the moon." I savoured the last moment of pre-moon-landing human history as if it were cold-pressed olive oil from Livorno.

When I was a boy we used to have a very special dish on New Year's Eve. It is pictured at right. I'm heating some up now.

I have also tried watching this amazing TV show called 24. There seems to be a lot of it on the channel I'm watching, but I really have no idea what's going on. Kiefer Sutherland keeps taking calls and looking at his screen. Then he drives somewhere and sweats. Then people call him on his cell (eejit!). Then there's an authoritative black man berating some whiney white guy in glasses, a political guy. But the black guy has loosened his tie and appears ready to give up on this whole political thing. It's just no good. Now a Japanese lady doctor is leading Kiefer Sutherland into the whatever room. "He's bla bla bla", she explains. Sure enough, some guy is sick and has tubes up his nose. Maybe she said that the tubes up his nose were pretty uncomfortable.

Now here's a good bit: Kiefer Sutherland gets another call on his cell. Split sceen: we see somebody's mouth talking to Kiefer Sutherland, apparently some desperate news, because he snaps his cell shut and starts loping along like a big sissy.

Now some bad guy is doing something to a woman in a hospital, taking away her breathing cup or whatever. That's probably what the phone call was about: "Get down there, because the bad dude plans to rip Whatsername's breathing cup off!"

Oh! Okay. A new episode of 24 is starting: Kiefer Sutherland got a call on his cell. Now in multiple screens some young guy is taking his shirt off. Now here's Kiefer Sutherland's right eye in closeup as he drives his car. Now a Hispanic guy is explaining all this rubbish on his computer screen which shows where the terrorists are: in Central Park.

You'd think a normal terrorist would do all his preparation stuff in Brooklyn, where there is a lot of cheap space.

This show, though very much more expensive, reminds me of games we used to play as children: "Oh no, look out—he's falling into the water!" Etc.

Oh. Now the black guy is kissing some black woman; they part angrily. She probably said something like "Jeez, you should clean yer teeth", but he's angry. Now Kiefer Sutherland is annoyed because the Hispanic guy's computer is just showing more rubbish; we don't know yet what it will mean. It will probably show where the terrorists are. But when?? Time is running out.

Now some blonde woman is being threatened by a terrorist.

Kiefer Sutherland seems to be worried about all this. He takes a call on his cell. "What?!"


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Watching TV is a good way to tear yourself away from the computer.