Imagine that you're rich and have fine furniture, the cynosure of every antique dealer. Appraisers pay you to be allowed to come and offer an expertise. You're thinking of moving but of course you're worried about the furniture. A call would suffice to get the brother-in-law to drink up and head over with his truck, but you're concerned. So you hire some professionals who probably have an actual van and some equipment. But when they pull up to your door, you notice their van has an awful lot of dents and booboos. In fact, when they park there's a loud crack as the top of the van snaps off an overhanging branch. The guys in the cab look up with their mouths open but make no comment. After all, stuff breaks. You begin to wonder if moving is the best idea ...

But meanwhile, a new kind of termite is discovered making its way north from the tropics. It's a fussy eater, and can only eat teak, mahogany and assorted fruit woods. It has been known to make do with maple and oak, if correctly seasoned, but softwood and particle board it leaves alone. That means it will march past millions of trailers and suburban homes in its search for panelling, armoires, silang side chairs, curio cabinets and objets.

What now?

Maybe Bruce Willis can help?