Loser's Guide to Life
I was looking through a book of poetry the other day and noticed that the author had inscribed it on the title page as follows: “To Pookie and Bibbleface—Enjoy! TR.”
It seems to me a bit overweaning to tell people to enjoy! your book after you've just given it to them, as if it were some undeniably good treat, like fresh strawberries. The time was, writers would frequently put something humble in a prefatory note, such as: “I fear I must once again intrude upon the public's kind attention with my scribblings”, and so on. Now, I think, all kinds of people secretly want to be idolized, and they're tempted to treat others as if they were.
Anyway, I decided to leave an answering inscription on the title page—yes, I can do that too, you know.
I wanted to read your book of poems, but my head started to ache as soon as I opened it. Not a great, fierce pain, but a sort of dull, mushy feeling in the sinus passages and elsewhere. I also experienced very slight tinnitus and low-grade nausea. I believe this problem is caused by your poems, many of which are bad. You know what to do. Quit.