Loser's Guide Loser's Guide

 Loser's Guide to Life

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

At the Multiplex 

Buddy was sitting in the theatre one evening, growing more and more indignant. He looked around at the other moviegoers: they showed no signs of impatience, but continued to stuff handfuls of flavoured popcorn into their mouths, scarcely moving their eyes from the screen even as they sought their jumbo drink straws in the darkness. Pop. Slurp. Crouche.

“What is all this?” thought Buddy. “They just sit there, as if ...” He turned his attention to the screen. It was Sandra Bullock, chambering a round in her futuristic (and rather unwieldy) space weapon. “Those aren't real people,” thought Buddy, “I know who they are. They're just ... actors. That's Sandra Bullock. Not an astronaut. Nor even a very good actor. And these events can't possibly be happening. It's—it's staged, somehow. It's set up to look plausible, but that's what it is, a set-up! Christ Almighty, the fiends! Who would have imagined, in their wildest dreams, that such a thing were possible, and on such a scale? I could kick myself—that crazy guy outside the drugstore was right all along. To think I ridiculed him, gave him short Schrift, pooh-poohed his ideas. Although talking to Jesus on your obviously non-functioning cell phone does nothing to help your credibility. But he was right. Nevertheless, he was right. It is a vast conspiracy.” He fidgeted in his seat. It was probably best to sneak out.

In the lobby, he said to himself: “Who knows what other fictions are out there? Look at this now.” There were large movie posters encased in special frames on the walls, or installed in free-standing displays. “What if all those films are like that? You know—I'll just bet they are. These stories are bogus. Somebody just made it all up.”

He headed for the escalator, trembling with rage. “And getting mad isn't enough. No, it's time for action. In fact, my movie is starting right now!” And he whipped out his camcorder and started filming random people on the escalator, a man in a business suit, a student, a senior. People screamed and ran for cover.



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Watching TV is a good way to tear yourself away from the computer.