Some aliens came into the coffee shop today. Actually, I should say, Earthlings. I keep forgetting that I'm the alien on this planet!

Anyway, the thing I noticed was they couldn't decide what they wanted or how they wanted it. There were two of them, a man and a woman, and their partnership was working against them. Instead of teaming up to achieve their goal, each was compromising the other's ability to order a drink.

“Do you—”

“—oh—”

“—ah, I think?—”

“—steamed milk, or—”

“—low-fat—”

“—roast?”

A fruitless collaboration.

Somehow the barista confused my order as well. I asked for a coffee “to stay” and she misheard it as “with Twin®”. I decided not to quibble and just paid up, thinking it couldn't be that bad.

In fact, it turned out to be astoundingly vile. It's not sweet at all, just the opposite. It's curiously bitter. It tastes the way burning plastic smells. I kept on drinking the coffee, amazed that anyone would think that this comes anywhere close to mimicking sugar.

So, there again. Twins. Couples. Something.

Labels: Coffee

Scamming a free coffee at “Perk's”? How low can you go?

Older, uncoordinated guy in shorts trying to redeem a coffee card, strangely full of pencilled check marks instead of the coffee shop's official stamp.

(The deal is if you're a frequent customer, they give you a card with spaces to be stamped each time you buy a coffee, and six purchases or so entitle the bearer to a free coffee.)

However, it appeared as though someone had merely checked off the spaces with a pencil, so the staff refused it. The man left.

A bit later the man's wife phoned to say that she had taken it upon herself to check off the spaces on this new card to account for the credit on several coffee cards the man had lost.

Where do we go from here?

I started wondering about this doddering man, sent out by his wife with a bogus coffee card.

“There you are. Go down to 'Perk's' and they'll give you a free coffee.”

“But but but wha happens if like—”

“No, it's free. See how I've checked off all those boxes? Because of the ones you went and lost? Then the next one says 'Free Med. Coffee'. Just make sure you show it to them, and point out that they're to give you a free coffee.”

“Yeah but they might think I'm just like cheating or or—”

“Stop being such a gaby. You're ridiculous, put your hat on and get out there.”

Knowitall.

Labels: Coffee

The other day I was having a coffee at the Second Cup, and when I got to the end of it, the last tablespoon or so, I noticed that there was some stuff in the bottom that didn't look like coffee grounds, or anything to do with the coffee-brewing process. In fact the material looked at first like insect parts, but unless I'm mistaken, it was really tea leaves. Or maybe the leaves of some wholly different plant. Is that possible? And if so, which is preferable: insect parts or unidentified leaves? I think that might be a conundrum.

Later that afternoon I paused to see if I was dying of strychnine poisoning or experiencing audial hallucinations. No on both counts. So I guess the stuff in the coffee was harmless. Probably good for you, in fact.

And I thought: Do not go gentle into that good night, because fuck that noise.

A bit later, my date complained that I am always making her feel stupid. I told her that was just about the dumbest thing I ever heard.

Labels: Coffee

Labels: Coffee